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June 28th, 2005

12:43 pm - Concerning Martians and MTV.
If Martians have an MTV feed, we are all dead. I was fortunate enough to actually watch an episode of “the real” world yesterday, and by fortunate I mean not fortunate at all. I knew the show was bad before I decided to watch an entire episode, but now I am convinced that it will be the catalyst and eventual cause of the demise and extinction of human beings. First, let’s assume that aliens are how they are in the movies…Green, smart, big, and ill willed. Well, let’s take away 2 of their Hollywood traits…
1. lack of hand to hand combat skills when facing such a challenge as the fresh prince of Bel Air (vulnerability around washed up rappers)
2. able to be hacked into by Jeff Goldbloom with a macintosh.
Let’s give them more credit. So…to recap: We’re assuming aliens are smart, angry, and can return blows in a fist fight with will smith. Let’s also assume they have an MTV feed. We better pray, they never watch an episode of the real world because they will fly to Earth, and blow up everything. It is single handedly the worst representation of the actual real world ever. A bunch of bros and chicks are selected to live in an enormous house together, and then every night they get drunk, fight each other and random people, all while cameras follow them around. What would be a better reason to make aliens assume that we are a worthless race?

The chances of this happening are slim though based on a conversation I recently had where it was established that if aliens exist at all, they are probably just deer from Saturn.

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May 5th, 2005

12:13 pm - fat annoying professional dart players make me want to play shuffleboard.
So I was behind a vehicle the other day in the left turn lane of 13 mile and dequindre. I had worked all day and was ready for a nap. It was the last left turn of the day. Sadly, my excellent observational skills were somehow still intact after a day full of some of my best lab monitoring of the semester (I was fixing paper jams here, and...directing people towards spirit cash transfer machines there). When scanning the back of the vehicle in front of me, I noticed a bumper sticker with a phrase that I knew was originally uttered by a fat balding guy whose gimmick is to be mean. It is a phrase that, when said out loud by a teacher who thinks he emits a perfect mix of wittiness and tough, cool guyness, immediately crushes my insides, for a second, makes me feel sorry for him, and then immediately establishes him as a villain in my head and makes me want to study harder for a different teacher's test. Studying harder for another teacher’s test is my strange way of creating a secret dart board with the fat, arrogant villain’s face on it. That is the only way I can describe it. Actually, in this case, I would be doing worse on the villain’s test due to my lack of studying…So it would be more like: Me (who is horrible at darts because I choose to be) creating a dartboard with a picture of a professional dart player in the middle, and then challenging him to a dart duel. I would obviously do bad in the duel. That is scenario 1. However, I could choose to approach it this way: Scenario 2: Little does the villain know, that earlier that day I destroyed the competition in a shuffleboard tournament which is my specialty. He will never know that I studied the art of shuffleboard under a wiser, less fat, more open minded sage with all of my heart, partly because of my abhorrence of darts and him. He will continue to bask in his ignorant self, but the difference will be, I will go home to a giant shuffleboard trophy, making my loss more tolerable. Anyway, I have had 2 teachers: One in high school, and one in college that were this genre of villain. They were the exact same type of dude: Fat, balding, overly sarcastic in an annoying, on purpose way, like if David Spade had less of a life and a bigger craving for bacon cheeseburgers. In both cases, lots of students took the approach of liking the teacher simply because they were easy to not like by most because they were “bad ass” and made fun of kids and-“Wow that is untraditional teacher behavior. How cool.” I don’t buy it. The reason for my rant is because this particular sticker that I saw was an exact phrase that my college professor (villain) said at least 4 times during the semester, as if he didn’t know he had already said it, thought it was so priceless and original that it should be said more than just in his well thought out opening day “I am a tough guy, however I am completely unoriginal and I don’t even realize it” speech.

The sticker read…”Does Not Play Well With Others.

At first I was itching to get next to the vehicle, just hoping, by chance it was one of these villains. Then I decided to play it safe because if it wasn’t one of the 2 villains, it would reinforce, with concrete evidence, the fact in my mind that there are more than 2 of these bastards. I stayed behind him and looked forward to getting home and polishing my shuffleboard trophy.

p.s. it took me several minutes to realize it was also a jeep.

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May 3rd, 2005

12:53 pm - I think i hate Jay Leno.
David Letterman is way better than Jay Leno.

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April 28th, 2005

05:14 pm - wow. This was brought to my attention...

that sticker is a valiant rebuttle with good intentions, perhaps someone going through the same mind boggling confusion and anger as me. However i think the best solution would be to turn the other cheek, not stooping down to the jeep driver level. It's along the same lines as the christian fish with legs thing.the darwin logo. It is almost even more sad seing a bumper sticker that is mocking another bumper sticker. I am still waiting for the bumper sticker that is the christian fish, with legs, crossed off as a logo on Jesus' shirt. When i see a sticker recycled to that exten is when i will start writing some letters. It reminds me of a quote from demetri martin, "I like bumper stickers because they are like shortcuts that say 'hey let's never hang out'"

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02:55 pm - Concerning Jeeps again.
Not to bring up the jeep thing again, and not to clump all jeep drivers into one category (it is more specifically jeep wrangleroids) but it seems to me that every time I see a jeep wrangler, it has one of the 3 following logos/slogans on the spare tire cover and or bumber sticker:

1. “It’s a jeep thing you wouldn’t understand” (which was discussed months ago by me)
2. “Life Is Good”

3. Picture of a smiley face with beard stubble and an american flag bandana.

What is it with these people? Life is good? I have seen this on a lot of jeeps. Does this come with jeeps? Is this a jeep trademark? I am genuinely confused and curious. When People buy jeeps, do the salesmen throw in one of these retarded spare tire covers for free? Or could it be that jeep wrangler drivers all happen to be the types of dudes that would buy one of these at murrays or Jeep.com or wherever they get them. I sure hope it’s the salesmen theory because I hate to stereotype. I’ve yet to glance over at the driver of a jeep to see a giant happy face with a five o’clock shadow. When that happens I will delete this post and move into a cave.

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April 20th, 2005

01:33 am - things i hate:
-People that where a scarf when it is hot
-people who have more than one dog
-people who where makeup that aren't girls
-people who think they are poets but are actually idiots with tiny brains and have never read a book.
-almost everyone named josh
-horror movies
-words. they are used too much and have lost meaning
-left turn lights that dont blink red
-this one guy in my class. i forgot his name
-people who pass out millions of paper flyers that say "save the trees." The same people complain about having to pay 10 cents to print out each flyer and how that is the government controlling us(it costing money for the obvious purpose of saving paper) Later, in a literature class, they will be the first to proudly recite the meaning of "irony." They do this all without exploding into a thousand dumb pieces of idiot.

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April 19th, 2005

11:32 am - Concerning Birds and a Sandwich.
Glen the bird and Derek the bird were sharing a fresh sandwich in the road. Some crazy fool had either been lunchily satisfied by only half a sandwich, had died in the middle of the sandwich (by that I mean passed away in the midst of eating, not having literally died in the middle of a sandwich, betwixt two enormous slices of wheat bread, lying on a giant slab of ham.…that situation is just plain rare…and sandwiches just aren’t that big. If they were, I’ll tell you right now it wasn’t suicide.) which was unlikely, seeing as there was no car wreck in sight. However, a car wreck would only conclude that the sandwich flew out the window sometime during the crash itself or was lifted out by inertia or other gravity related forces. In most cases of car wrecks, however, any sandwich involved will most likely remain where it was, or at least in the same vicinity, before the crash. For example, a sandwich in the car, will probably stay in the car, unless acted upon by some other catalyst. The man could have thrown the sandwich out of the car as it was crashing in order to save it in a selfless act. Or there is a possibility that the sandwich was already in the road, and caused the crash. The driver dodges the sandwich for any variety of reasons. All of this is within the scenario of the sandwich being present due to a previous car accident. However, the fact that the birds were in the process of eating the sandwich rules out the car crash theory altogether, because chances are, a fresh sandwich would not last very long on a road before being devoured by someone or something, so if the sandwich is still there, so should be the wreckage. There was no downed injured man who had been without a car who, in addition to his injury, looked like the type of man that would eat a sandwich while out for a stroll. There is a slim possibility of the sandwich being heaven sent or divine, but one would question it’s fate of ending up in 2 average bird’s bellies. It seems as though if a sandwich was divine it would be feeding an arch bishop or a small king. This is all depending on one’s belief or lack of belief in the fate of sandwiches to begin with…and, for that matter, the concept of a divine sandwich. One scenario could be that these birds had prepared the sandwich themselves. Maybe. But maybe not. I’m not a bird, but I wouldn’t want to eat in a road, and I doubt being a bird would change that at all. So if they had prepared it, one would think they would partake in a more peaceful setting…bird peaceful, like a nest. It would be the equivalent of you or me enjoying a dinner roll in the quietness of a dining room as opposed to…well…a road. This theory dismisses any unknown religious dining rituals of birds involving bread, meat, and roads. Due to birds’ tendencies to eat only worms and insects by themselves without buns or condiments, one can predict the improbability of birds preparing a sandwich. However, they enjoy bread independently of worms and insects, any wandering homeless man in the city knows this; Birds could have just now made a breakthrough in “Bird Culinary art” by combining two of their favorite dishes. Glen and Derek finish the sandwich and fly home. Do they know the origin of this mystery road brunch? Perhaps they do. Or perhaps they are merely birds with sandwich eating instincts and nothing more.

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September 28th, 2004

10:16 am - Guys who tried to be scary, but sucked.

                                                                                                                               THE WARLORD       

Whereas PapaShongo and Nailz made my little boy body quiver in the late 80’s/early 90’s, some dudes tried to accomplish the same but failed. They went for the same effect that a successful “bad guy” strives to have which is in essence, to scare little boys. When they fail to do so, the results are really quite pitiful. I mean, I can scare a little boy simply by mentioning an apparition, a scary tale of goblins, or by unleashing a wolf in his bedroom, and these big brutes can’t even do the same when it is their job.  When you fall short of “Nailz”at work, it might be time to find a new job, unless your job is “falling short of “Nailz” in which case it is time for suicide.  One of these pitiful dudes was the “Warlord.” Oh you were expecting a less cheesy name? You should have learned by now. This dude was everything but a warlord. He was a large bald man that was the default bad guy to insert into a match against a good guy that needed a victory, preferably one where the good guy was the smaller undermatched man and his goodness could shine through when he brought the warlord to his knees and eventually pinned him. It was the same everytime.. I don’t know if Warlord ever won, but I think in real life he would probably beat some of those little guys that simply had more charisma. I wish I could sympathize for the warlord like I did with nailz but I just can’t. Warlord was an Idiot and he probably still is. And his ACT scores were probably just herendous. Take a look at this guy and convince me otherwise.

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September 18th, 2004

03:14 pm - NAILZ

Nailz. With a Z. This guy was the most one dimensional character involved with anything that has characters in it. But he still scared me as a boy, possibly more than any other bad guy.(Looking at his picture now, he looks a bit like comedian, Jim Gaffigan) I didn’t want to go to any wrestling events because I knew I would be really close to Nailz. He was supposed to be an escaped convict that the Big Boss Man had arrested and now was back, getting his revenge, still in his orange prison jumpsuit. Now, as a much older boy, I see the numerous problems with this scenario which indicate, in the end, that Nailz is not such a bad guy and may have been misunderstood. So Nailz was an escaped convict? He must have been in for jaywalking or loitering, or at most, littering. Why do I know this? Because I imagine that at least some cops watch wrestling… well most probably do. They never attempted to arrest him. They must have known he was a harmless fellow. Nevermind, that doesn’t even matter. People watch wrestling and he is an escaped convict. So who is the real bad guy here? Nailz? Or all the viewers and fans that watched an escaped convict on the loose who put fellow citizens in danger week after week by not attempting to call authorities. Secondly, Nailz was supposedly getting revenge on big boss man for arresting him. Who’s idea of revenge is twisting your enemies leg until a guy smaller than you tells you to stop because your enemy grabbed the ropes? Not mine. What does this tell you? What does all of this tell you? Nailz was the good guy here. Think about it: Big Boss arrested this guy, just for littering and now this guy wants revenge, but he obviously doesn’t want to seriously injure or kill Big Boss Man. He just wants to twist his leg a little knee him in the sternum, and choke him with his own billy club a few times to teach him a lesson for his own good. I guarantee Big Boss Man became a better cop because of it. He probably never falsely arrested anybody else and is more polite to citizens. Nailz helped us all and made the world a better place. He was just a pissed off litterbug that got a bad rap. The humorous thing was when his feud with the Big Boss Man ended. What was his character supposed to do then. There is not as much excitement in watching an escaped convict fight a regular guy as there was watching justice be served in the cop vs. convict pay per view event. Nailz got screwed both as a wrestler, and a character. Sorry Nailz.

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03:01 pm - Part 3: Scary Brutes.
For part 3 of this memory filled series, I will take a minute to recognize those special wwf wrestlers who succeeded in instilling real life fear in my small, little boy body. These guys were bad. They were downright vicious and I believe their sole purpose was to frighten little boys and destroy their “good guy” role models. They usually cheated too. Bastards.
                                                                1. PopaShongo
Popa freaking Shongo. I was genuinely frightened of this character. He was a large, African fellow who was suppose to be like a voodoo, witch doctor dude, in fact, his nickname was "the Sultan of Voodoo" He wore a black frayed robe to the ring and had skeleton makeup neatly painted over his wide nocturnal looking eyes and large grinning lips. I think part of my fear of this brute came from his feud with my man the Warrior. He was the closest to “bringing him down” and he did it very scarily. Warrior of course came out with a victory in the end though. The scariest thing about Mr. PopaShongo was his finishing move. He would spit mysterious green mist into his opponents eyes. Supposedly it was an illegal finishing move but he always managed to pull it off. WWF referees are very easily distracted. They have a short attention span and when it comes to the end of the match for some reason they can easily be won over by a pair of jingling keys. Papa Shongo later became Kama Mustafa of the Black Power-ish group "Nation of Domination" with the likes of Farooq and Rocky Maivia (now "the rock") and even later became the Ho toating "Godfather." (click the link above for some scary pics)

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